Pokerface

In the Sky commentary box on Day Three there was a frisson of excitement as Andrew Strauss elected not to enforce the follow-on after Australia were bowled out for a first innings score of 215. The buzz was coming from Shane Warne who was in no doubt that Ricky Ponting and his beleaguered team would be sitting in the dressing room re-energised that they had been offered an olive branch by Strauss and an escape route from a probable defeat. It wouldn’t be the first time that Warne had used some cod psychology where the Poms were concerned.

Granted, the Australian bowling attack again did their best to coax the England middle order back in to form but Australia knew that batting last at Lords would hold no demons if the lessons of history were to repeat and the pitch flatten out. In 2008 England could only take three wickets as South Africa followed on and ran up 393 in 167 overs to see out the draw. This coupled with Australia’s inability to gift England Ashes wins and the Poms tendency to freeze at the prospect of winning a live match will ensure more than the odd butterfly in the stomachs of England fans as they wake up this Monday morning. Australia need an improbable but not entirely out of the question 209 further runs to win with five wickets in hand.

In a judicious PR move by the England management they sent Graeme Swann out to do the media rounds at the end of the fourth day. An ebullient character he sent out a confident message, “We still have a new ball with Andrew Flintoff roaring in at 90mph and James Anderson swinging it at the other end." He’s right, as so many times before much will depend on Flintoff, in possibly his last Test, pounding in with a ball only six overs old.

It’s not just in the Sky commentary box that Warne has been getting excited. In their effort to bring you the very best live sport from around the world - or rather that which they have bought the rights to - Sky now fill their late night schedules with poker and what more imaginative idea during the Ashes than to broadcast ‘Poker Ashes’. I know little about poker but I do know that Shane Warne, famed for sowing more than a few seeds of doubt in to the minds of batsmen, was also fond of chatting to bookmakers about cricket and indulging in a spot of extra-marital poke-her. He sounded like an inspired choice to be team captain.

Accompanying Warne were fellow legends Dean Jones and Jeff Thomson. Jones was taking this particularly seriously. You could tell because he was wearing sunglasses and the same zinc cream over his lips that I saw him wearing as he raced round the boundary for Derbyshire against Middlesex on an overcast day in Uxbridge many moons ago. At least Thomson wouldn’t start his run up from by the slot machines, or would he?

It’s not immediately obvious who was on the selection committee for the England Poker Ashes team – possibly the same selectors who were responsible for calling up 28 players during the 1990’s who made less than 5 appearances for England. Sure enough if watching Min Patel take one wicket in his two test career was enthralling then I hoped that he’d been saving himself for this moment. England’s team was captained by that man for all gimmicky programs, Darren Gough. Whether it’s splashing about in a pool of water wearing lycra or dancing the American Smooth then Gough’s your man. Shoring up the middle order was Rob Key, the current Kent captain, who clearly sees more of a future for himself in poker rather than cricket.

As it turned out the Poms were predictably dispatched faster than a Mitchell Johnson long-hop to the cover boundary as the Australians established an unassailable 3-1 lead. Warne, relishing the chance to captain an Australian team for once in his career, was delighted, ‘The boys played really well. I’m really happy with it.’ We’ll see if Warne can keep that pokerface on as he returns to the commentary box to witness what will be another day of high stakes Ashes cricket.